From Insecurities to Self-Discovery: My Transformational Fitness Photoshoot Experience

I did 2 photoshoots in 3 days this July. Something that had been on my mind since the spring, as I geared up for an eventful summer. But before we get into the details, let me give you a quick backstory to provide some context.

Throughout my life, I’ve struggled with my weight and self-consciousness. Even now, at 33 years old, while I’m more confident than ever, I still battle insecurities and occasional body dysmorphia. Some days, I don’t feel good about myself. Yet, when I look at how far I’ve come, it’s evident that I’ve made significant progress. Currently, I weigh around 235 to 237 pounds, whereas back in 2000 (give or take a few years), I was around 240 pounds. The transformation from my 18-year-old self to my current self is quite remarkable.

Now, let’s jump into the main topic—my journey in preparing for these photo shoots. 

Reflections on the 2020 Fitness Shoot

Since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020, I hadn’t pushed myself to get lean. 2020 turned out to be a great year for me personally, professionally, and fitness. But, the opportunity to challenge myself and embark on a fitness photoshoot presented itself, and I seized it.

In 2020, I hired my talented friend and photographer, Aous Poules. The photoshoot was amazing, but the prep was not.  I didn’t have a coach and relied on my own research on water cutting and extreme measures to get lean for the shoot.

I recall the two days preceding the photo shoot. All I consumed was protein shakes, totaling only 900 calories. To top it off, I spent hours in a steam bath in the bathtub, desperately trying to sweat out every drop of water. It was an unpleasant experience, to say the least. I ate carbs and indulged in treats the next day to fill up my muscles. The photos turned out incredible and I was leaner than ever.

But here’s the thing—I want to emphasize why I bring up this experience. In 2020, my business was not as developed as it is today. I had only a fraction of the clients I have now, and I wasn’t involved in mentoring aspiring trainers. Furthermore, my family consisted of my wife, Laura, and our son, Nico. We hadn’t welcomed our second child, Lucas, into the world yet. During Laura’s pregnancy, we remained active, but, life was less complicated. I worked from home, and Laura was still working until her maternity leave began. Nico started kindergarten that year, and we had plenty of time for family walks.

Fast forward to this year, and I realized it was time for a change. I felt the need to refresh my images on Instagram and update my website with new branding and professional photos. My Instagram lacked the high-quality assets I desired. So, I decided it was time to step up and take action. Although I considered doing a photo shoot last year, it didn’t materialize for various reasons. Yet, in 2021, I wanted to do something different and challenge myself.

2022 was a year of ups and downs. I struggled to find my footing and regain control of my health and fitness journey. Balancing the responsibilities of parenting two young children, including potty training and managing emotional outbursts, alongside a growing business and mentoring students in the online trainer mentorship program, took a toll on my own fitness priorities. I found it challenging to fit in workouts, often pushing them off or trying to squeeze them in during mid-afternoon. I even joined a gym to create a separation between my work and exercise routine.

Early this year, I realized that I wanted to set up a photo shoot with Aous Poules. I wanted to push myself to get lean again, as I hadn’t achieved that level of leanness since October 2020. I wanted to see what I was capable of accomplishing.

Redefining Goals for the 2023 Shoots

After careful planning, I booked two photo shoots—a solo fitness shoot on July 6th and a couple’s boudoir shoot with my wife, Laura, on July 4th. It required some adjustments, including water loading leading up to the shoots. I was determined to stay lean and showcase my best physique for both sessions.

There wasn’t a specific event that triggered a change in me; it felt like everything kept piling on. My discipline wasn’t where it needed to be, and I recognized that fact. When I set the date for the photo shoots—for my personal brand and business—it made me realize that I didn’t need to be super lean.  I work with moms, and I learned a valuable lesson from my friend and former coach, Joe Arko, a couple of years ago.

Joe took a look at my Instagram at the time and called me out, albeit in a supportive manner. He pointed out that if a potential client, let’s say, Suzie, showed her husband my IG page, what impression would he get? Joe helped me realize that shirtless pictures are not the best approach when coaching women. That was an eye-opening moment for me.

Since then, it has been a bit of a struggle to find the right balance. Yet, I still posted the photos from the 2020 fitness shoot because it was something I wanted to do for myself and my ego. It was also about proving to myself that I could achieve what I had seen fitness models and influencers do for years. It was a personal victory, and while I enjoyed the compliments that came with it, my intention was never to focus on my physique.

As I approached this year’s photo shoots, my mindset had shifted. I didn’t plan on taking a ton of shirtless pictures. The shoots weren’t focused on showcasing my muscles or being the stereotypical “meathead” fitness model. My goal was to reflect on who I am now and where I’m headed as a person. The 2020 shoot was a chapter in my life, but this year’s shoots were different. They represented the direction I wanted to take with my brand and the clients I wanted to work with—women and moms.

I gave myself permission to ease up on the pressure of being stage or photo shoot lean. For those unfamiliar with the term, fitness models often get extremely lean for a photo shoot, but they don’t maintain that level of leanness year-round as it’s not healthy or sustainable. I allowed myself to take my foot off the gas and focused on being the best version of myself without obsessing over extreme leanness.

I must admit that my discipline wasn’t as consistent as it should have been leading up to the shoots. I became more lenient with my calorie intake, indulging in takeout and eating out more than I should have. As June approached, I realized the importance of adding cardio to my routine. It helped tighten things up and shed some weight, but I still battled my stress response and emotional eating patterns.

June brought another challenge as both my boys started soccer. The Thursday night practices fell right in the middle of dinner time, which caused chaos in our household. If I hadn’t prepped dinner in advance, ordering pizza became an all-too-common solution. I found myself empathizing with the parents I worked with who struggled with finding time to cook healthy meals. I let my lack of discipline get the best of me more times than I care to admit.

With the photo shoots approaching, I followed the standard practice of water loading. Some people found it strange when I mentioned drinking ten liters of water for three days and then reducing it to under two liters on the final day. It was uncomfortable at first, but I adjusted. And while the water loading was the cherry on top, I recognized that it wouldn’t make a significant difference in the grand scheme of things.

On the morning of the boudoir shoot, I wasn’t in the best headspace. I looked at myself in the mirror, weighed myself, and couldn’t help but feel disappointed. A whirlwind of regret and negative thoughts engulfed me. It took time for me to snap out of it, and I want to make it clear that no one else was to blame. It wasn’t my coach’s fault. I acknowledged that I hadn’t been the best client and lacked the discipline I should have had.

Once I arrived at the shoot, everything changed. I saw myself in the mirrors, and the photos the photographer took were incredible. I reminded myself that I looked good, and what was I worried about? Yes, it’s important how I feel about myself, but, my wife finds me attractive, and that matters the most. My kids don’t care about my body composition either. What they care about is having a strong role model, someone who is healthy and takes care of themselves.

I’m learning to balance between feeling good in my own skin and not obsessing over ripped abs. It’s about showing up as the best version of myself

It’s about the groundwork you laid, the relationships you built, and the value you provided leading up to that point. Similarly, in my fitness journey, the work I put in throughout the year would have determined how successful my photo shoot would be. It’s not just about the final few weeks or months of intense focus and discipline.

Embracing Change and Gratitude: Moving Forward with Intent

Reflecting on all this, I realize that I was comparing myself to a different chapter in my life. I would think, “I used to look like this,” or “I used to weigh this amount.” Life has changed. I can’t expect the same outcomes without considering the new challenges and responsibilities.

I questioned the necessity of being extremely lean. Was it helping me, or was it fueling my insecurities and adding unnecessary pressure? I don’t have all the answers, and it’s something I need to explore further within myself. The battle between regret and acceptance is ongoing, but I’ve come to realize that there’s nothing wrong with how I look now.

One of the biggest takeaways from this journey is the importance of the time spent leading up to the shoot. If I focused on building better habits, being more disciplined, and making better choices in 2022, I wouldn’t have had to cut as much weight in 2023.

I acknowledge that there are trade-offs when it comes to achieving extreme leanness. It often requires saying no to certain things and making sacrifices. But, it’s crucial to check how far I want to push it and whether it aligns with what I want. Being in a lean state year-round, with a bit of body fat, is fine for me.

I understand it’s up to me to decide what I want and what trade-offs I’m willing to make. Life has different chapters, and what worked before might not work now. It’s about finding balance and understanding that goals and priorities shift over time.

I realize that I need to focus on building sustainable habits, finding a balance, and embracing the changes and challenges along the way. The pressure to look a certain way may always be there, fueled by my insecurities, but it’s up to me to navigate through it and define my own path.

I want to emphasize that self-awareness and reflection are vital for creating lasting change in your life. By understanding your habits, tendencies, and mindset, you can take action and move forward in a more intentional way. It’s about being proactive rather than reactive to the circumstances around you.

I understand that life can be chaotic, and it’s easy to fall into unhealthy patterns. But by creating an environment at home that supports your goals, you can set yourself and your family up for success. If you struggle with overconsumption of processed and palatable foods, one of the simplest steps you can take is to stop buying them. When those foods are not available in your house, it becomes much easier to resist the temptation and make healthier choices.

In conclusion, I want to express my gratitude for your support and for being a part of this. Your feedback and engagement mean a lot to me, and I’ll continue to provide transparency and valuable insights in the fitness industry. If you found this blog helpful, I encourage you to share it with others who might enjoy it. And please feel free to reach out to me with any thoughts or experiences you’d like to share